Basically Betty

Daughter Becky here, reporting in from Seattle.

In September mom and I were talking on the phone and I asked her how she was feeling about her cancer diagnosis and the winding down of her life and she said "Becky, I don't want to get into the oven."

One thing about mom, when she does say something, she doesn't mince words.

I assured her a whole bunch of things would happen before she got in the oven, and that the most important of those things would be that she would actually be dead.

"Mom, you don't get in the oven until you're dead." 

She got it but it still bugged her.

Mom and I have always talked candidly and at length about all manner of things and the topic of her illness and the toll it's taking has been no exception.  I've followed her lead and mustered up the courage to get through whatever she's wanted to talk about, even though almost all the time it was me crying, not her. 

Strong.  Determined.  Stubborn.  She's all that and more. 

But back to the conversation about the oven.

To help aleviate her anxiety, we worked our way through what would probably happen over the coming weeks and I used daddy as our guide. 

In his last few weeks of living, his appetite diminished, he lost interest in his usual passions, then he couldn't walk, then he couldn't talk but he could still write, then he couldn't write but he still comprehended (blink once for yes, twice for no).  When that was gone, he could still hear and we knew it because his eyes would brighten, his respiration and facial expression would change.  Then came constant sleep.  Then uneven breath.  Then, finally, death. 

Then the oven.

I assured mom that, as long as nothing catastrophic took her out sooner (infection, organ failure, etc.) she'd probably follow a similar trajectory.

When I talked to mom yesterday, the only words she could say were "I don't know what's happening."  Tonight, she was only able to craggle out "I love you" and "that must have been good" when I described what Jimmy and I had for dinner.  I feel so lucky to have been able to hear her voice one more time and I fully expect that tomorrow, it will be gone.  At least on the demand of my call.

As mom's telephone friends have continued to call, they're having a one-sided conversation with her.  The phone rests by mom's ear and most of the time she's not able to respond verbally but, rest assured, she can hear you and it means the world to her to hear your voice.  A social butterfly her whole life, calls and emails have sustained her since she left Florida a couple years ago and more so now than ever before.     

As Pooge and I have made this journey with mom, we've tried to follow her lead in her openness, honesty and utter fearlessness in facing what's to come. 

We can't stop what's coming; we can't stop it for her and we can't stop it for any of us.  All we can do is keep talking, keep loving, keep reaching for each other.  Over the miles.  Through the phone.  Through prayer.

So, it's happening, it's been one thing, then another and then another.  And soon she'll be gone.  How lovely that she's spent so much time talking to you, thinking of you, praying for you as you've prayed for her, and here, at the end, still so happy to listen to what you have to say.

Thank you for that.  Please keep calling.

And Bonnie, your name was the last thing mom ever typed.  Isn't that great?

This from Joann:

Although I cannot claim to know the exact words Mom would use for this entry, I am reasonably sure of what she would write.  Five weeks ago today was the last time she walked a few steps using her walker.  Having been rolled to the hospital bed the day before in an office chiar - wait, it sounds worse than it was: she couldn't take another step, Becky and I couldn't carry her, the chair was nearby and we are always willing to use whatever is at hand when given a task.  She was comfortable overnight, but when the nurse visited the next day. Mom was ready to get up.  After walking ten feet and sitting in her chair for 5 minutes, she announced she was ready to go back to bed.   As Becky walked the nurse to her car, Mom looked at me and said, "I don't want to get up again."  She has since asked to and sometimes been frustrated that we won't allow it, but I have to believe somewhere she knows it is not possible; that it would do her more harm than good.

During these weeks, she has slowly lost her appetite; her ability to type, to read, to stay awake.  She doesn't move often - no more wiggling her feet as she's done her whole life.  In the last week, she has stated more than once that her beloved Rays don't have to win another game - she is satisfied with what they have achieved. Her deep, abiding interest in baseball is sliding away.  Since Tuesday, there has been no desire to check her email, which was the first, last, and most frequent request of every day.

Awake after a bed pan need in the early hours this morning, I was thinking of what the nurse told me this week.  Mom is in the habit of living.  Anyone over 80 is, as she sees it.  Her patients in their 50's and 60's would not still be alive if they had to deal with all the losses Mom has endured over the past two months.  But because one learns to adjust to 'surrendering the things of youth', one puts up with these great indignities.  Until this week, Mom nightly voiced her thoughts that the diagnosis was wrong.  Ignoring the confinement and other changes, she was using the fact that she wasn't in pain as a sign that she would get better.  A few nights ago, she said, "I'm not well and I don't like how this is going."  Clinging to life by habit, I believe she is now beginning to accept.  With that attitude change, physical problems have worsened.  Hospice thinks she may hold on as long as the Rays are playing.  I'm not so sure.  She seems to have realeased that.  So, we wait.

Becky, James, and Veronica are in touch throughout each day.  So many of you reading this have surrounded us with your prayers and encouragement.  Truly, I feel like we are in the Olympic Curling event, clearing the path for Mom to go where she is meant to be.

Love and prayers from here to there

Friday, Becky left to go back to Seattle and won't be able to come back here until after November 10th.  It has been so good to have her here every other week since the first week in September.  What a lot of crossing the country she has done for me. 

On Monday or Tuesday every week, Melidy, my Hospice nurse comes out to see me.  Makes sure I have enough medication, listens to my heart and lungs, asks me if I am in pain and never quite believes me when I say no.  Sometimes I am in a little bit, but I don't like to admit it.  This past week, though, has been the best because of the patch.  It is still working and I am thankful to all who are praying for me, because that is why God is keeping me from suffering, I am sure.  This week Melidy tried twice, but couldn't get a blood sample, so we will try again next week. 

Every other Friday, a different nurse, John, comes to see me.  He and Becky talk about what is going on: digestion problems, swelling, etc. and he suggests different medications, which always end up helping.  He was happy to see me looking so well yesterday.

When I woke Saturday a little after Noon, Joann told me I was going to have a surprise visitor.  I had her write down the names of everyone who has said they would be coming up this way and sure enough, one of my guesses, dear friend Bonnie, was the one who came.  Her time with us was precious and I am thankful to her family for making a special trip to bring her over.  She brought me her baseball that Rocco Baldelli signed. Now it is on the shelf with the ball cousins Matt and Sherry sent me last week with many of the player's signatures.  When the counselor from Hospice was out earlier in the week, she said my den looks like a teenage boy's bedroom.  By that, I think she meant my passion for baseball has never faded.  And she's right.  The last two games have been hard for me to watch, I get so upset, but I will tune in tomorrow with hope that we play well, no matter the outcome.  My Rays have truly been rays of sunshine to me this season and I am proud of them.

Good friends Sonja and Marion also visited today, over from South Carolina, bringing much fresh produce, flowers and a plant which I hope Joann can manage not to kill.  The companionship was good for me and I will have sweet dreams tonight.  Our Internet was out and the phone man was here in the midst of all the visiting and fixed it, so I was able to hear my messages tonight.  Thanks to all who wrote.  I will try to dictate some return emails tomorrow. 

Love and prayers from here to there

Dean Martin used to pump gas at the gas station by my house.

When I was about 10 years old and the weight of a jockey, I rode our neighbor's horses as trainers led them around the ring for exercise.  The granddaughter of the neighbors who owned the horses just came for a visit. 

There was a time that I left home in the morning for work, or was it school, make that school, and my parents lived at 634 Market Street and when I got home there was nobody in the house, and as it turns out they had moved from 634 to 640 and they'd neglected to tell me.  My Dad came running out saying "here we are, over here!"  When Daughter Becky asked if I'd ever emotionally recovered from this, I must admit that perhaps I haven't!

In sewing class, we had to make something so I made a white shorts all-one-piece set and there was a parade up Market Street and we were all out on our front porch to watch the parade and one of the neighbors called to tell my mother that I was out in my underwear.  Nosey neighbors.

Becky, you should comb your hair.  Don't type that.

After I held off marrying Freddy (because my mother got sick every time we said we were going to get married) he decided he would head to California to play ball and when he came to tell me that he was leaving, I grabbed his coat and the buttons on the front ripped off.  I felt so bad about it I bought him a new coat.  We ended up getting married and although my mother was sick the rest of her life, we were very happy. 

I was on vacation from my job at the mill and one day I went to pick up my friend Margaret who also worked at the mill, I was driving my dad's jeep, a real jeep, like the ones they used in the war.  I was wearing a strapless dress and all you could see was my shoulders, as I pulled up to the mill I drove between buildings with offices with windows, and the offices were full of men, many of whom thought I was driving a jeep without the benefit of wearing any clothes. 

The Italiains all lived in one area, the Polish in another area, so it was normal for everyone to be segregate, so it was also normal that Freddy and Deano would know each other.  Deano's uncle delivered milk and eventually Freddy and Dean helped.  Once we even went to Dean's uncle's farm to get milk and Freddy went to pick up a big can of milk out of a vat of ice cold water, he dropped it, it broke open and the milk came out and went into the water and the water went into the can. 

My mother never liked the man who collected the rent on the garage.  I'm not sure why.

I think that's enough for tonight.

Love and Prayers From Here to There

Another perfect day!  Watched the Rays Scorch the Sox.  13-4 tonight.  One more game in Boston.  I sure hope we can win that one. 

Today, three ladies from Hospice were out and that kept me from my usual long afternoon nap, so I am tired tonight. 

Something that makes me very happy: I've heard from so many of you about following the Rays.  Well, some of you were already fans but you are more interested because they are winning.  You are rooting for them like you are rooting for me.  But there are some of you who don't even like baseball, yet you are watching, cheering on my favorite team, and enjoying their success.  I really like that and I thank you for it. 

The other night, after we had lost one game at home against Boston, we had phone calls from Becky, watching in Seattle; Veronica watching in FL; James watching out West; and Veronica told us Matt was watching in Kuwait.  When BJ Upton hit that sacrifice fly in extra innings to win, our cheers surely were heard around the world.

If you ever get a chance, read a book written by Jeff Klinkenberg.  Any of his books would be a good choice. I was best friends with his mother, Bea, and he recently wrote an article about my love of the Rays for the St. Petersburg Times.  Joann called him to say I am ill and that I think the team is winning this season just for me and he took it from there.  Thanks to Jeff for his interest and such a nice article.

I am confined to my bed now for four weeks.  It is comfortable, but I am so tired of laying here.  I want to get up and walk, move a little.  Friend Barbara was over the other day and told me about the corn maze open this time of year just over the mountain.  I think while Joann and Becky are sleeping tonight (Becky has ear plugs and it is almost impossible to wake Joann even with no earplugs) I'll sneak out and take a trip around that maze by the light of the full moon. I'll let you know how it goes.

Love and prayers from here to there

Hello, Everyone.  It has been a while since I've been able to write.  And Joann is typing this for me because it is just too frustrating from my hospital bed to balance the keyboard.  BUT, last week Hospice changed my pain meds and I feel so much better.  I can think clearly, comprehend what I am reading, and stay awake to watch all (or most) of the ball games.  Now instead of swallowing a pill and waiting for it to work, I have a patch that slowly and constantly releases medication.  This is so much better I don't know why they didn't do it to begin with. 

What a game Saturday, extra innings, and we needed that win.  And tonight, beating Boston at Fenway including a homer by my favorite, Rocco Baldelli. 

Every day one of my daughters reads me the emails that many of you send.  I really like that part of the day.  Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. About a year ago, I could no longer sit at the computer stand, so Bill and Joann made a long table sort of like what goes over the bed in the hospital.  One side is stationary with a swivel gadget and the other side has little wheels that let me pull the computer over the arms of my lift chair, close enough to be able to type and read.  Now, they have fixed that table snug up against the side of my bed so I can see the monitor all the time.  Becky put many pictures on it and they change all the time, so I can watch them when I'm awake.  Becky got back today just in time to watch the game with us.  I heard she and Joann talking about putting music on my computer next so I can listen.  Aren't computers wonderful?

I've gotten behind in answering my emails so Joann is going to send everyone a notice to read this.  And I'll try, starting tomorrow to answer each one.  Some of you did not see the picture of me with the Mohawk haircut in the paper.  I'm going to ask Becky if it can go on this site.  But I'll tell you how it happened.  My dear friend Bonnie challenged me: if I'd get a Mohawk, so would she.  Well, I wanted to make her think I got it, but not actually have my hair cut.  Joann wanted to cut it but I just couldn't let her.  Anyway, I tried drawing a picture, but that didn't work.  Then I asked Joann if she could take a picture of me and change the hair.  She didn't have the right software, or program, or something.  Then I decided to ask Becky and within a few hours, she had her tech guy make it up and I was thrilled.  I laughed for quite a while.  So I sent it to Bonnie and she went into a panic, thinking I really did it and now she would have to.  But I fessed up and we had a good laugh.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you how I ended up in the St. Petersburg Times.

Love and prayers from here to there

This evening, after the RAYS WON, I took a short nap, then woke to find that Joann was going upstairs to cook a few things, getting ready for Bill's lunches this week.  He's in a training program to be certified as a detention officer and is gone all day every day for the next three weeks.  But Bill was here to talk with me and call Joann should I need anything.  Well, did we ever get in a good chat.  We reminisced about the time Freddie won that award and we all went to Washington, D.C.  We speculated about which team we'd take on in the playoffs.  And we talked about how Bill approaches his work, which can be dangerous.  Sometimes I worry, but he is always careful and I know God looks after him.  All in all, we had a good visit and it didn't seem long that Joann was back.

Yesterday, in the mail came a box from the Tampa Bay Rays.  Becky sent them a photo of me and they sent me some goodies.  A few things I didn't have.  A white cap, a T-shirt, and best of all, a cow bell.  Thanks to them and to all of you who have sent me collectibles over the years and recent articles from the papers.  I enjoy every piece and I'm so proud of my team, oh, our team.

I'm looking forward to Becky arriving Tuesday evening.  We will write again soon.

Until then, love and prayers from here to there

Today, my dear friend Jo-Anne and her husband, John, visited for a few hours.  Years (I won't say how many) ago I babysat for Jo-Anne, so I guess you could say I've known her all her life.  She was able to come see me and I am so thankful.  They made the trip from Maryland and not without problems, construction and trouble with windshield wipers, so they started back today.  That way they don't have to make the entire trip tomorrow.  Lovely to reconnect and I hope they will visit again. That was a win.

The loss - well as you probably know, my Rays lost for the third straight night to Detroit.  Joe must know what he is doing, but I would have made a pitching change.  My phone never rang asking my opinion, so I guess I'll just watch and hope they win the final game tomorrow.

Love and prayers from here to there

The last few days have been busy.  I'm in my hospital bed so daughter Joann is typing for me.  About an hour ago, she set me up with the keyboard and mouse on my lap and I typed part of my blog, but a careless stroke of a key, which one I don't know, made the entire thing disappear, so we are starting over.

There is always someone from Hospice coming out and the door to outside is getting a lot of use.  One thing that has bothered me since moving here is that most people come down from upstairs, after coming into Joann and Bill's home, to see mine.  I really like when people walk right in from outside into my place.  A mirror my dear friend Barbara M. got for me greets those who enter there.  But a lot of the time the bug population is a factor, so it is just easier the other way.  Now, with Joann down here with me most of the time, we can't hear the doorbell upstairs.  So she asked all the Hospice people to please walk around and knock on my door.  Looking for the positive part of any situation always has value.

And I'm very excited because dear friend Jo-Anne K. is right now traveling down from D.C. to visit tomorrow.  I have not seen her since 1988, when Freddie got an award and our family all went to Washington to see him receive it.  We were friends in Ohio and I named my Joann after her.  I know, I didn't spell it the same way.  Why?  I cannot tell you.  I will try to write again soon and tell you about our visit.

I sure hope the Rays win tonight.  And thanks all of you who have written to say you are watching the Rays, rooting for them, and for me.

Love and prayers from here to there

Greetings Basically Betty readers, this is daughter Becky writing to let you know Mom is resting comfortably mere inches away from where I sit to type, she's tired from a long day of baseball and movie watching, and best of all, a long lovely visit from one of our oldest friends from Steubenville days.  Mom's eager to tell you all about it so I'll keep you waiting on the details until the eponomous Basically Betty goes on record. 

I leave tomorrow for Seattle, where I'll close the month at the studio and try to meet some deadlines before I head back to North Carolina on September 30th for another week with Mom. 

We've got Mom's medications adjusted to the new levels of pain she began experiencing coincidental with my arrival (hmmmm) and after a rough go of it, she's on an even keel again and seems well prepared to close out the Rays season as their #1 fan for these last 8 or so games.  Her Rays are playoff bound and she couldn't be happier. 

Today's loss was televised but yesterday's game, which clinched the Rays playoff berth, was not so I bought a day's worth of audio from MLB.com, set the computer speakers on either side of Mom while she rested in bed, and just for good measure, I put on her chest her souvenir Devil Rays seat cushion she's cherished since she got it on Opening Day of their very first season. 

As Pooge says, sometimes it takes a full 90 minutes after the game has ended for Mom to remove her palms from her cheeks.  She's a "scream, squeal, writhe and flail" type of fan - it's often more fun to watch her than it is to watch the game.

If our morning goes as planned, she'll be dictating a Basically Betty post to me to post before I head to the airport but if things spiral out of control as they occasionally seem to do immediately preceding my departures, I'm sure she'll get something up through Pooge in the next day or so. 

Thanks for your prayers, kind thoughts and best wishes,

Bec

Today did not start out too well but as the day went on it got better.  I had a lot of pain, which I have nto experienced before and had to take Tylenol.  It did the trick. I will take another one before going to bed and hope for a pain free night. 

Becky is here, arrived  just before noon.  The Chaplain was here from Hospice and brought us Communion which was good because I have not had Communion since April. 

Hope you all saw the Rays game tonight.  We beat Boston 10 to 3.  We are through with them for the season unless we make the Playoffs which I guess we will.  We lead them by two games.  The rest of the games are on the road which is too bad because the Fans are really coming out and supporting them.  That has not always been the case.

I have an appointment with the Cardioligist on Tuesday and hope I can get out to go because the leaves are starting to change and the drive into town is something to see.

Hope all is well with you all

Love and prayers from here to there

This was a Banner Day.  My Grandson and his friend flew in from Los Angeles and my Grandaughter flew in from St. Petersburg.  They are special in addition to being my only Grandchildren buy they were both born on the same birthdate as me.

The Chaplain with Hospice came and we had a nice visit and he helped me with some questions I have had.  He is easy to talk with and is very understanding.

The Nurse also came and even my BP was nearer normal than it has been.  It has been running low.  Oxygen level very good.  Lungs clear. 

Tomorrow James will cook my favorite meal for me.  Macaroni and cheese and thin steak.  Oh so good.  He is quite a cook.  Must take after his Mom. 

In between all this activity had two calls from Daughter Becky.  One of the calls was to check on the Rays game.  They were to play in New York but all games on the East coast were postponed due to Ike.  Ike is making more noise than he ever did as President. 

My dear friends Marge and Elliott e-mailed that the storm was headed for them. Pray they will be somewhere safe. 

So that is my day.  Hope yours was equally as wonderful.

Love and prayers from here to there 

I have just watched the most exciting game of my life.  The electricity was out, again, and we didn't tune in until the 2nd inning.  Sure glad it came back on because I would have hated to miss this one.  We were ahead, they caught up, passed us, and in the top of the 9th, a recalled player who I don't remember ever seeing before, hit a home run to tie the game.  Turns out he was stuck in traffic on his way to the ball park and got into uniform just in time for the 9th inning.  We got another run, then held them in the bottom of the 9th and WON THE GAME!!  5 to 4.  So my Rays are back and I'm hoping they can do it again tomorrow.

Yesterday, I went on a nice outing and saw some early color change on the trees.  Today, four ladies from Hospice were here.  Two got downstairs just as it began to pour rain outside.  Maria had left her windows open and she went up to take care of that while I talked with Lu, who volunteers to visit me every week.  She lives nearby, came from Pittsburgh and I'm sure we have much in common to discuss.  After a bath and blood work, I took a long nap. 

So, all in all, a good day.  Made even better by seeing five deer in our backyard this evening, including the fawn.  She sure is cute.

Love and prayers from here to there

We have a new electronic device in our home.  It is a monitor which allows Joann to hear what is going on downstairs in my apartment when she is upstairs. 

This is very helpful and makes me feel safer as I know she will rush down those steps to assist me whenever I need her.

And she can go up to change her laundry, start the dishwasher, take the puppy out, etc.  At first, I was walking right up to it and yelling for her.  This blasted her ears and, turns out, was totally unnecessary, because she can hear me from way across the room. 

Today, she was upstairs cooking for me and watching the Rays, but she didn't turn up the sound because she could hear my TV through the monitor.  So, really, we watched the game together.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about my trip into town to have my pacemaker checked.

Love and prayers from here to there