Was that me?

A marathon 12 days of company (I house teachers in town to attend my workshops), a marathon of intense teaching 9 long days straight, a marathon of cleaning up and digging out once the workshop ended, and I must say, I am just about the happiest person on the planet.  

Was it really just in May, just a few short weeks ago, that I was so very sad about Mom being dead?  It seems crazy, like it wasn't me who was feeling that way, like it didn't happen.  But I know that it did and I also know that it might happen again, where I feel sad and lost without her so much that I cry at the mere thought of her.  

But now, with those couple of blue May days seemingly gone from my psyche, I can say that I feel great about everything having to do with Mom and I'm even great about the fact that she's going to be dead forever.

When I was so exhausted I had to fall down, I watched a movie the other night, Starting out in the Evening, and it was fabulous for all sorts of reasons but there was a line in it, spoken by a caring daughter, who said "I can handle him dying, I just can't handle him being dead forever" and when I heard that, I thought "that's it!" That's exactly my problem from May.  

I've never had any problems whatsoever with Mom being taken by cancer.  No problems accepting that the battle was short and horribly one-sided.  No issues at all with her decision not to seek treatment and not to go into hospice care.  No concerns at the time nor since about how she handled the run up to her death.  

But really, when those couple of days in May came crashing down it seemed as though 1) I finally had time to let myself grieve and 2) I felt horribly sad that she'll be gone forever.  

At least for MY ever.  Which, really, if we're honest, is the only forever I know and your forever is the only forever you'll know.  Forever is our forever.   

So, from the lofty perspective of June 29th, I can ask in all seriousness, was that me? And if that May me, that sad, I miss my Mom me, ever returns, I'll be a bit more comforted knowing she'll pass, as all things do, and that when she does she'll leave me happy and strong and on top of my world.

Life is good, life is for the living, and Mom more than anything wanted me to fly.  

Love and Prayers From Here to There.